Insomniac
There will always be those nights when you’re up for hours. Thinking. Thinking about what you’ve done, what you’ve said, what you’ve been through.
When I’m awake in the middle of the night, I think about my life. What I’ve been through, what I’ve been pit through, what I’m going through and what more I could possibly go through.
Which brings me to tonight. This one night. A night I wish I was somewhere else. Somewhere only I knew about. My own personal sanctuary. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be locked up. I don’t want to feel trapped and restricted. I don’t want to feel the need to lash out. I don’t want to want to break things and throw things and curse and swear. I don’t want to feel like I need to scream one moment then curl up in a ball and cry the next.
I don’t want to feel the way I do. But I don’t really have much of a choice now, do I?
Family… Are you sure?
I have never felt so alone in my life and they are definitely not the people I can count on. I hate that their manipulative, calculative, selfish, concieted and arrogant. All they do is criticize, demand for answers and criticize some more.
This is why I hate going home. This is why I hate my family. This is why.
When I joined drama, I never suspected it to be like this. I never thought we’d be as close as we are. I never thought we’d end up being a family. One where I feel so accepted and so loved. Somewhere I feel that I can do and say anything stupid or crazy but still know that no matter what they’ll be by my side. And to me, that’s family. They’re family.
Now that the SYF is over and a Drama Club has yet to be formed. I miss them more than ever even though I only just saw them this morning.
The JJC Thespians are a family. A real family. One that supports each and every member no matter how screwed up or wrong they may be. One that listens and cares and understands without judgement.
I feel so sad and lost and alone without them.
Unlike them, my family is just horrid. I hate almost every single one of them. Selfish, heartless and rude.
Sigh.
